In my last column, space was inadequate to include several notable driving behavioral syndromes which need to be documented. Let’s review a few more.

Kamikazes - These drivers engage in death-wish behavior and beg you to hit them. Kamikazes wait until collision evasion is almost impossible before they pull out in front of you. Sometimes, they perform Line-Cutter maneuvers (see Part 1) to swerve in front of you before slamming on brakes for an abrupt turn. To complete the insult, some give you two flashes of a turn signal. Kamikazes can’t resist cruising the "suicide lane" while on-coming traffic attempts to use it for a turning lane.

Idealists - These drivers require the distant horizon to be clear of traffic before they’ll make a left turn. Meanwhile, cars waiting behind them overheat or run out of fuel. Please understand, I’m NOT advocating kamikaze behavior. Rather, I’m merely suggesting that that thin dot on the horizon may not be a moving vehicle.

Negligent-Parents - It appears to me there are too many lunatics on our roads to escape notice. Yet, many people ignore these dangers and refuse to place their infants and toddlers in proper child seats. Older children bounce around in cars without seat belts. Adults should protect their children first and foremost, and preferably set an example by obeying the law themselves.

Myopic Morons - These drivers never anticipate or react timely to undesirable traffic conditions. Coming up a steep grade, a myopic moron won’t notice a slow moving truck until he’s close enough to count lug nuts. He slows to a creeping crawl before swerving into the passing lane and slowing all the faster traffic in that lane. Everyone who looked ahead and changed lanes then has to wait on the moron to resume normal speed.

Inconsiderate Imbeciles - These drivers never change lanes to allow others to merge into traffic from on-ramps. They often speed up to force the merger to either stop or perform a Ramp-Jumper maneuver. Had they maintained consistent speed, the merger could have adjusted.

Ramp Jumpers - These drivers never follow the painted lines on entrance ramps to merge into traffic after they reach adequate speed. Instead, they cut sharply across the ramp lines directly in front of faster-moving traffic. This produces hilarious results when there are divider bumps or curbing, but the most frequent results are growls and hand gestures followed by reckless maneuvering. Ramp Jumpers are often former victims of Inconsiderate Imbeciles.

DeathRacers - These dangerous idiots speed recklessly through parking lots and other areas congested with pedestrians. The name comes from the sick futuristic movie, "Death Race 2000," where contestants raced cross-country running down pedestrians for points.

Preening-Primpers - These people gain an extra five minutes of sleep each night by applying all their make-up on the drive to work. When I hear squealing tires immediately behind my slowing vehicle, it’s most frequently a primper.

Rip Van Winkles - These drivers are obviously discovering the world anew on both the right and left side of their vehicles. Despite various indications that the driver is local, their oscillating head movements reveal their complete fascination with the passing scenery.

Note: These head movements distinguish RVW’s from Sunday Drivers who always have their hands in the "ten and two" position on the wheel while their heads move from the road ahead to the rear-view mirror and back. While overtly concerned about the road ahead, Sunday Drivers often attempt to count the number of cars queueing up behind them.

Seeing Eye Driver dogs make an excellent gift for Rip-Van-Winkle drivers. While any dog naturally watches the road ahead more than a RVW, they must be specially trained to bark when events require the driver’s attention in front of the vehicle.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of driving behavioral syndromes. I’m discovering and documenting new ones at an alarming rate.

 Copyright Ó1997 Steve Scroggins - All rights reserved.